Wednesday, 19 February 2014

World turned upside down..

This is a weird blog post to be writing..

I'm currently sat in the main entrance at chesterfield royal having had 3 hours sleep.. And worried out of my mind.

Dad was taken by ambulance here last night suffering from chest pains and my mum and I followed and stayed in A&E with him until 0230 hrs.

Apparently all indications are that he's had a heart attack.. It feels so strange to type that. Mum and Richard are with him at the moment and I'm alone in the main entrance with my thoughts and hundreds of people milling around. I feel so disconnected and so isolated. Hoping for the best yet fearing the worst. Apparently the Heart attack, if it is indeed that (will be confirmed with blood test results later on) was caused by dangerously high blood pressure. He stopped taking his meds for this a few years ago as his BP was only borderline high.. Apparently he is genetically predisposed to it and there's nothing apart from drugs that will help it.

I hate being alone with my thoughts.. I'm missing Anna and the kids.. Trying to imagine telling people the worst isn't helping my state of mind.

It's my dad.. He's indestructible..

It's times like these when I realise what a total rock Anna is to me.. She really is a great security for me.

I know at times I've been guilty of not really caring about the sanctity of life.. Not now though. Life, all life is precious and fragile.

So many questions to be answered and so few answers.

I refuse to go to pieces. I'm going to be strong and trust God that he's got his hand on it. I refuse to give in to morbid thoughts.

It's strange.. I want to cry but also don't want to for some unknown as yet reason. I daresay at some point I'll crack and get it out of my system.

Tried to go outside to get some air but it was polluted by people smoking right next to the sign that tells the it is illegal to smoke... People eh!?

I should probably eat but my stomach is churning far too much.

Update: still very tired but have finally eaten and feel somewhat better for it.
The good news is that Dad was looking better after he managed to get some sleep. Mum and I had a walk around the hospital and gave him the chance to get some shut-eye.

I can only imagine the stress of being convinced that you're dying coupled with massive sleep deprivation and being in a place that is unfamiliar.. It is no wonder that people use it as a form of torture..

Really hoping that dad can come home on Friday..

One interesting part was when my brother turned up. I was relegated to the main waiting area by a very stern staff nurse which is where I wrote a majority of this 'stream of consciousness'. Richard came down to go home and I think he could see that I was barely holding it together so he put an arm around my shoulders and said some words I will never forget: "don't worry bro! I know dad will be just fine! He's getting better. I know you're tired; I'm not and I'm more detached from it all so if you need anything, I'm here for you."

If you knew the relationship my brother and I have; you would know how much those words meant to me. I have always been one to think that blood is no thicker than water but I will happily revise that. There was an unspoken bond there and I'm hoping and praying that we will become closer as brothers after this 'episode'.

Watching how my parents interact when there is an excrement / fan interface has been very humbling. They both plainly love each other so much and are so integrated into each other's life that it really is impossible to see where one finishes and the other begins. I so hope that Anna and I can emulate their love and devotion.

I'm not sure if this post will ever get published and I still haven't broken.. Maybe I'm too tired.. Hope so.. It is still only 2000 hrs and I refuse to go to bed until nine as I don't particularly want to mess up my body clock.

Peace out.

A very emotional and possibly irrational Mat.

4 comments:

  1. A very heartfelt piece of writing Mat and I am impressed you managed to write this considering what is going on. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family now as I have "been there, and done that" a long time ago with my father, so nderstand the turmoil you may be going through

    Love to you all

    Scarlett
    xXX

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  2. Thinking of you & your family Mat.

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  3. Beautiful piece Mat. Thanks for sharing it. I understand the brother connection only too well. Our Mum's illness last year brought me and my brother back together after 13 years of sibling silence. It ain't perfect but it's 1000% better than it was. Love to you and your mum and healing thoughts for your dad.

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  4. Written from the heart at a very difficult time. Wishing you Father a speedy recovery Mat x

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